Too much tech is derailing communication in our businesses.

The single biggest mistake people make when trying to influence others is thinking too much about themselves. The assumption is that because that’s the way we want it, it will be the way that others want it too.

If you want to successfully influence another person, the first step is to think about them and how they think. If you can work out the answer to this question, you are more than half way to getting what you want. This idea is problematic for Millennials and especially when they are communicating with people of other generations. Millennials are far too quick to rely on digital communication to do their talking rather than actually doing the talking themselves.

Three things to consider:

1. It’s not a conversation // While you can text backwards and forwards with friends, it’s not really a conversation. At work, conversations are not only about talking but listening. Moreover, you often have to prove you are listening. We do that by nodding our heads and asking good questions. Wherever possible, this is most effective when we are face to face.

2. Email has no emotion // Almost every fight at work I have seen over the last few years has started with the phrase “Well, I got this email …” Clearly, someone invented emoji to deal with the fact that digital communications are so often misread. Better is we avoid difficult or painful ideas in digital communications. Much better is we call a meeting, pick up the phone, walk down the corridor or even Skype. You should also try to avoid  to your CEO.

3. Do your thinking first // Do not try and use email to do your thinking for you. Rather than thinking through what they want, some people commit the email equivalent of ”verbal diarrhea” in their emails. It’s like they are trying to dump every thought they have on a subject into the email to show they have thought it through. While that might work for some of the recipients, my guess is that if you have a request and it’s on the bottom of page 3 of the email, no one will see it. Put your requests up front and then summarize the logic. If they want to know more, they will ask.

The bottom line is this: Just because it works for you, doesn’t mean it will work for the person you are sending it to. Learn how they think and you will be much more effective at both communicating and influencing them.